Talk Shows & Stories : Featured Stories : Hu Chin

Recorded January 28, 2002

Hu Chin's Story: Breast Cancer

Listen With 18 minutes, 27 seconds. (Audio is Mandarin language)

Greetings. I am Hu Chin. It was in Taiwan, more than 30 years ago when I started to learn Peping Opera from my mother; it is also called Peking Opera. Then Li Han-Sheung, director from Shaw's Movie Studio in Hong Kong, discovered me. I got into acting on a television series and he invited me to work in the movies. At that time he was with "Guo-Lien", in Taiwan, it was called the "Guo-Lien" company.

Afterward, Li Han-Sheung returned to Hong Kong and went back to Shaw's Movie Studio. I followed him back to Shaw's Studio as well. In Hong Kong, I was making movies for about ten years. This was 30 years ago. Between Shaw's Studio, Golden Harvest Company and independent films; I have made about 100 films. After making movies, I returned to Taiwan and became a television producer. I did both acting and producing. Then I came to the US.

Performance Leads to Cancer Diagnosis; With Difficult Life Decisions and Transitions

I went from an ordinary person, to an actress, a producer, and then two years ago, I got cancer and became a volunteer for the Cancer Society. So I feel like the changes in my life are like a play, even though I had acted in many plays before, I still feel that "Life is like a play." However, sometimes I feel that my life is not really like a play. In the plays, I usually played the parts of villains, full of love, hate and strong emotions, but in reality, my life has not been so plentiful. [laughs]

Sometimes when I think about it, I feel that even though my acting career is quite colorful, it has not been easy to return to a peaceful life style. I want to lead a common life, from the glitter to a peaceful lifestyle. But I did not expect to get cancer. So I wonder about life, that has such turns and changes. Right from the beginning, I could not adjust to a normal life of being a housewife, after so many years living under the spotlight. I was not [comfortable with] the change. And then when I finally adjusted to it, I came to the United States.

Two years ago, I participated in a function sponsored by the Cancer Society Chinese chapter in San Francisco; a performance sponsored by the World Journal newspaper. Ms. Lin Po and I both participated. A few days after the performance, she [the wife of the Publisher of the World Journal] said, "Let's go for a check-up." She happened to have an appointment with an OBGYN. She let me come along: "Why don't you come with me." So I went, the ObGyn after she touched my breast, she said; "Something is not right in your breast, you should go for x-ray. Have you done that before?" I said never. She said you must hurry, so I did. Because I had been reminded about many things at the Cancer Society event, I wanted to go for check-up.

After I had the mammogram, they discovered something. Then after surgery, they found it was cancer. So you can say Cancer Society and I have certain connection. If it was not for the volunteer performance, I would not have gone for a check-up, and it would not have been detected so early. It was in the early stages when it was detected; it was quite early.

Not Prepared to Deal with the Psychological Aspects of Mastectomy

At that time, the choices given to me by my doctor were: you can have the breast removed, or not. If not, then I must do chemotherapy and radiation. I think because it was so sudden when the doctor told me it was cancer, I had absolutely no concept of what it meant. I was not ready and I could not think. Because of the way I am, I felt: "Ah, having cancer, I should go ahead and have it removed, and then it will be okay." Really, I did not know enough about cancer. There is very little advertising and education [about cancer] in Taiwan, so I had no concept whatsoever. In the US, they are doing a good job in health promotion, really. In Taiwan they are not as good.

Then I told the doctor to have it removed. After surgery [mastectomy], I did not need any chemo or radiation treatments. I had heard that the processes of chemo and radiation treatments are quite difficult. Because I was not prepared--I mean psychologically prepared--after surgery, I was not able to accept it. When I took a look at the mirror after surgery, when they took off the bandage I could not accept it. At that I became very, very depressed and had self-pity. I did not want to see anyone.

When I saw any scene on television, for instance, a scar on the chest or something like that, I would feel very sad. When chatting with my daughter or my husband, talking about the future, I would start crying and felt sad immediately. I felt that I had no future. . At the time, [I] was mentally not right. Afterwards, I read many books. I read many and found out there was so much knowledge and that your mood [attitude] is very important.

All my old friends, many friends from the acting circle, like Chin Shieng-Lien, and Sheng Dien-Hsia, including Lin Po, and many others; they called me and sent their greetings. I was feeling very sad and did not want to return their calls. I was not willing to just listen to their messages, I did not want to.

Her Spirits Soar Again When She Gets the Courage to Get Back on Stage

But Lin Po called me; I thought I could talk to her. She said: "Don't spend all your time thinking about this, you should come out." I said but--. She said, "You should come out to perform on stage in Atlanta." I said, "You must be joking, how can I come out?" She said, "Let's try it. " I had performed with her before; we had had a contract and would go to sing. But I said "Forget it, I can't sing with you anymore, go find another partner." She said, "No, I must go with you. If you will not sing, neither would I." I thought, "This is not right." If I would not go, neither would she; this was serious.

At that time, I began to exercise, to help my wound to heal better and to make myself more active. So I encouraged myself to go and kept on practicing lifting my hands and kept on with exercise. And then I went with her to perform on stage in Atlanta. After the performance, I still felt uneasy. However, when I stood up on the stage and heard the applause it seemed that I had regained my confidence. I seemed to feel much better. I heard that they said I sang well. Then I felt full with confidence. After I returned [home], I felt fine. My husband and daughter were very encouraging. They saw I was very happy, too.

A Reoccurrence Scare Send Her Back into Depression

However, I did not expect that when I went for check-up again--my every three month check-up--that the doctor would discover that there was problem in the right side--I was operated on the left side. I thought that was it. How could this be? It was only seven months apart, how could it recur again? I could not accept it and my mood went completely down. At the time, I began to feel depressed. I wanted to draft my will, etc. I thought of many things, many negative thoughts.

Then the doctor said I should have it removed soon, so I went for surgery again [a biopsy]. This time not that much, only a little bit. For a few days after it was taken out; it was like waiting for a verdict waiting for the test results. I didn't eat, didn't talk. I was ridiculous. Afterwards the doctor said it had calcified. Again, I began to feel relief.

Compared to the first time at home, this time I was even quieter. I did not want to go out or see anybody, I did not want to see any friends, nor did I want to think about many things. I was very lazy. I did not put on makeup. Everything had changed. This was even worse than the first time. My husband kept encouraging me, but I just didn't feel well.

Then Lin Po called again. She said, "Don't be like this. You should come to Hong Kong to attend Fay-Fay's concert." I said, "You must be joking. I can't do it. I don't want to do it." She said "No." [She wasn't joking.] Then Fay-Fay Sheng Dien-Hsia called me. She said "You have to come." I knew Fay-Fay for many years. She had never asked me to do anything. She had helped me a great deal, during the time when I was all by myself and making movies in Hong Kong. She had been very helpful, and I thought since she asked; there was no other way, so I agreed to go.

Making Peace with Cancer and Finding the Courage to Go Public

Immediately, I thought about how could I face the press in Hong Kong? If they asked me about the cancer, what should I do? How should I respond? I was very afraid to answer their questions. But later I thought if they asked, so what? I had read some very encouraging books by my people. And I thought, fine, I would go back.

Some of the reporters did ask about it. I was very open. At the Hung-Ren Pier, in front an audience, I openly admitted that I had surgical removal. When I took that step forward, I felt that when I talked about cancer, that I would not feel sad again. And no, [I didn't]. I want to thank Lin Po, she kept encouraging me. Because, sometimes, when people tried to help; I did not want to listen to my husband, nor did I want to listen to many other friends. But for her, when she spoke, I was able to listen more. I am grateful to her. When a friend really needs help; maybe a comforting phone call--maybe your message to cancer survivors can be very encouraging.

But I feel that she affected me greatly. Since that one step forward, I can talk about anything; any reporter, anybody, any dinner engagement, any friend. Not only that, I also advise them: "You need to go for check-up, you need to do so and so." I feel, you need to face it [then, you will not be] afraid, and then you can do it openly.

Actor Friends that Share Cancer Experience; Now Use Fame to Touch Lives

And now, I never expected this, a half of a year ago, I advised Lin Po to go for check-up. And she [had cancer] too. I felt terrible about this, so I went alone to see her in surgery. I did not feel sad, everyday we played ball together. She found [that I was] all right. I felt I had to show her that I was fine, so she would not be afraid. She saw me, and I saw her into the operation room and not a drop of tears, I felt that was fine. Now it's been a half a year since her surgery.

One or two months [after surgery], we went to New York to do a volunteer performance for the New York Chapter of the American Cancer Society. There were over three thousand people. She was on stage and revealed her cancer for the very first time, in front of many people. She was quite emotional. I felt that she was much braver than I. Only after a couple of months, she could face it. For me, it took two years, and a year and a half of my time. I feel that she is quite something. It isn't easy to speak out in front of so many people. Some people just can't do it, nor do they want to hear others mention it.

I feel that the fortunate thing for many cancer survivors is; after two, three, or four years you want to forget and do not want to be reminded and others may forget about it as well. But we are well known and whatever we do, people will always mention it. So I must be prepared psychologically, when others bring it up. . But I think it is all right. I rejected it in the beginning. I did not want to be reminded of the word "cancer", but I have accepted it now.

I want to be prepared. I will talk about it all my life. Better yet, I will set an example for many people. I want to tell many cancer survivors; the most important thing is to feel positive, and then do whatever you like to do. It is not true that because of getting cancer, you will not able to do anything; that everything is finished.

Many people complain of pain. I feel that pain should not be the reason; [don't] wait until you become ill. If you detect it early, you can be treated early, isn't that good? Some people say, "I dare not go." Many of my friends say, "I am afraid that after check-up, when it is diagnosed [cancer], then what can I do?" This is also wrong; you cannot escape from the truth. Now that you have detected it early, with the advance technology it can be treated.

I think this concept needs to be made known to many people. I feel that getting a check-up is very important. When I was in Taiwan, in all my shows or in front of many people, I kept reminding people over the age of forty-five, they need to do an annual mammogram. It is very important.

Cancer Journey has Brought Clarity, Purpose and a New Appreciation for Life

Actually, I feel quite good. I feel that before, I did not know how to sort out my life. Now my feeling is; I have to hurry up and think about what I haven't done yet, just like racing with time. And I appreciate everything. Every time I get together with friends; in the past I would say, I don't need to go, I will not go. Nowadays when people want to make plan things with me, I appreciate them. I want to make myself very presentable when I go out, so I can leave people a good impression.

Although my life is full of unknown, I still want to do lots of things. Things that I want to do, I will do it right away, and do not wait. The doctor said, "You must exercise, it will be a big part of your life in the future." So I chose to play golf. You can play golf until very old age and exercise, too. And I want to talk about exercise. I still work in my acting circle. If there is an opportunity to volunteer, I will come out to sing. And it feels good to hear the applause. It is very encouraging.

Now sometimes I talk with friends and it is self-encouragement. Now in Taiwan, I help a golf association and do volunteer work, and help that cancer [organization] do some visiting or other things. I feel that this is good. Some [want me] to lecture. So I have told people my feeling and experiences. I will go to anywhere where there are Chinese people, and offer to speak. And, I also hope that Lin Po will speak with me. After we talk, we sing the "Yellow Plum Tune." We can travel, do meaningful works, and can fulfill ourselves on the stage, and I think it is good. She spends more time in Toronto, and I in the United States. So we made a pledge that in the next year we will go to Los Angeles, San Francisco and all these places. [laughs]

So I'll say, you should think about the things that can make you happy. You should sort things out with yourself. Don't think too much, only "Go to the tip of the ox's horn." Of course, you need to pay attention to the different aspects of your diet, you should not ignore it. Some people think you will be cured after surgery. Many people have asked me: "Aren't you cured?" I really don't know how to answer: "Yes, I am cured," but it is impossible to say I am completely cured, I can only say: "I am coexisting with it."

I often think if it wasn't for this illness; breast cancer, I would not have appreciated lots of things because I would have lived my life aimlessly. And now having cancer, I want to say many things; memories from the past, arranging photographs, all my data organizing is meaningful. When I think of something that I want to tell my daughter, I need to do it now. And to appreciate your husband and all of your things. I am happy to witness many things. With old friends, with whom I rarely have a chance to see, I wish to take a picture with them, for the memory.

I don't understand why I feel this way. [laughs] I wasn't like this before, and I feel that it actually is good, many things. To me, life changes so much, but it is good to gain many kinds of experiences. I don't want to think about the future; I want to hold on to now. I think this is the most important thing, do you agree?

The Impact of a True Cancer Friend throughout the Journey

I feel that among all this is a cancer friend. Her name is Joyce. She has quite an influence on me. Of course, my family gave me the greatest support; my husband and daughter. Their care truly touched my heart; their encouragement can really touch my heart. Sometimes I wanted to live a better life for him; I did not want him to feel bad. So their encouragement touches my heart.

But I really benefited from Joyce; she gave me lots of encouragement through knowledge. She said, "Don't be afraid of this--my stage is even more [advanced]. You [don't] need to pay attention to that. You need to go out; you need to do this and that." [I would ask] "Can I do this? Can I do that?" She provided me with correct information.

The wife of my husband's brother also has it [cancer]. When she was indecisive about going through surgery or some thing else, I did not know what to say. Because even though we have cancer, when it comes to giving others advise, I don't know what to say. But Joyce, she can do it. I have learned very much, after listening to what she has said to others.

So I took what l had learned-- I practiced on Lin Po. However, I could see immediately, Lin Po was not afraid she went ahead to do a show. I saw that she was doing very well. I have learned something from Joyce, when you want to tell or advise the others, you need to have tact.

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