Bill: Testicular cancer

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My name is Bill. I was diagnosed with testicular cancer in November--I believe it was--of 1990. I had my first symptoms in September of 1990, about two weeks after Labor Day. I was at work I lifted a box, and I thought I pulled a groin muscle, and it bothered me for a little while. Went to my second job and the tumor was in there, the cancer and the tumor just took off. I hit the ground, I felt like somebody was stabbing me with a knife. I've never felt pain like that before in my life. Went to the doctor the next day, "Oh, you've got an infection in your right testicle". Went to an urologist, went back and forth for a couple of weeks, they said, "We'll put you in the hospital, take it out, see what you got." They did and they found out it was a cancerous tumor. I believe it was 8cm long. It was quite big, let's put it that way, and I was relieved to get rid of it. Luckily for me the tumor was encased in the entire testicle, so it didn't get in my lymph node glands. But I did go through the actual treatment with it, minor treatment, did a lot of CAT scans, drank a lot of barium--which I'm not really crazy about--did a lot of follow-up on it, went through a lot of blood work and stuff like that.

It was a tough time, after the first couple of years. I was very confused, didn't know why I was still around. The American Legion Post I belong to, there's five of us had cancer within a three-month period so we formed a group called the Three Musketeers. We kid around about it; the only way you can get in is to have a life-threatening disease, the only way you can quit it to die. Unfortunately, I'm the only one still alive. This coming November, it'll be eleven years and I'm still around. Why, I don't know, and I don't care. I'm just here. I try to think positive every day. I figure if my name is not in the paper, it's got to be a good day. But I've talked to a lot of people over the years about it and a lot of them have the same story. The first couple of weeks you're really scared to death; don't know what to do, don't know why, why me, why did it happen. But after awhile when you talk to other people, you kind of think, well, I'm going to beat this. You've got to have a positive attitude. Like I always tell everybody, you have your good days and your bad days. Some days you take three steps forward and ten steps backwards, but you get up the next day and say, well, today's another day, let's see what we can do today.

Reaching out and keeping the faith

It helps to have your family with you, your faith. We had in our insignia that we made up, it has "Faith, Family and Friends" can't survive, one without the other two. It helps a lot to have them in your life. It's good to talk to other people who have "been there, done that" so to speak. I got involved with The Cancer Association a couple of years ago for their Walk for Life, sat around and talked to a few people. In fact this year I met quite a few people that had the same kind of cancer I had, testicular cancer. Never heard of it till I had it, didn't know you could get it. It's been an uphill battle, so to speak. I still have my good days and my bad days, but I've seemed to make it through okay. I found that talking to other people in the beginning stages of it helps a lot. To holding their hand and say, "Look, I've been there and I know what you're going through." Until you've been there, you don't know what it's like. My mother had breast cancer, and every time I'd visit her, we'd sit down like two old ladies and talk. "Are you taking your medicine today? How do you feel? Have you been to the doctor?" blah, blah, blah, like two old ladies sitting there arguing with each other. But she was my health partner. Unfortunately my mother passed away in April of 1994, but since then I've met a lot of other people that I've been helping out, keeping in touch with, and just hanging in there.

All I can say to people, who've just been diagnosed, hang in there. You've got to believe in yourself, believe in God, get your family involved with it, don't try to do it yourself. It won't hurt to go to a counseling session or even a therapy group. Don't be a macho man. Or woman. A guy's got to do it, and you've got to believe every day, "I'm gonna beat this." And you will. You've got to think positive. You've got to get your head on square first before the rest of your body is gonna heal. I always believed that, and it always came true for me. I just wish everybody the best of luck. If I can do it, anybody can do it.

The diagnosis

Okay, 1981, roughly, I went into the hospital and had a vasectomy done. From the very beginning, I had minor problems with it, with irritation and infections and what not. In 1990, I was at work, I lifted a box--I work in a warehouse--I lifted a box, felt a really painful tug on my inner thigh. I thought I pulled a groin muscle. So I didn't think much of it. I went to my other job at night and a few hours later had excruciating pain and was on the floor. I had some swelling in my right testicle, didn't know what it was. Worked through the night, came home, took a shower, laid on the bed, my wife checked me out, she says, "Oh, you've got a bad infection. Why don't you call the doctor in the morning?" Which I did, I called my family physician, he asked me to come in, he says "Yeah, you have, I believe it's pronounced epididymitis. And what that is there's a tube that brings the sperm up to the epididymis tube that when it's severed like that had a tendency to get an infection and you get irritation and it drives you crazy." So, he was treating me for that.

Well, it didn't get better. I kept swelling more and more and more, and he said, "Well, you know, maybe I should send you to an urologist", so that's what we did. He was treating me for the same thing. Misdiagnosed my cancer at the time. That was in September of '90. Finally, in November of '90 he decided to put me in the hospital. He says, "Well, it's getting pretty large." It was 8cm long when they finally did the surgery and took it out of me. Come to find out that when it took off and I really started to swell and the pain was from because the tumor that was inside my testicle took off. It encased the entire testicle, and as it was growing and expanding, it hemorrhaged. So in a sense, I was bleeding on the inside. I would go to work every day and I'd be tired and nauseous, a lot of pain. I could hardly walk, couldn't sleep right, couldn't eat. Just a real basket case. People said I looked like I was jaundiced there at the end before I had my surgery. All kinds of tests, couldn't figure anything out. Went in for my pre-testing, I guess you would call it, for the hospital, and that's when they found out that I had cancer, through the blood work. Most people have single digits when they have the cells I guess you would call it. Mine were like quadruple, in the fifteen hundreds, so to speak. So they said, get you in here real quick. They did the surgery, and I told my wife before I went in. I said, "You know, I have cancer" she laughed at me, she said, "Aw, you're crazy." And when I woke up she was standing there and she told me I was okay.

Treatment and the aftermath

Okay after I had the surgery done I went to a great gynecologist, a woman from Delaware, who recommended a blood test, to check to make sure that the cancer was gone. And drank a lot of barium, did a lot of CAT scans. No matter how they try to flavor it, it still tastes like chalk. I had to drink a pint at home, cold, and when I got to the hospital I drank another pint, hot. Believe me, that's one taste you don't get out of your mouth for quite awhile. I had pineapple, coconut, strawberry, you name it, they gave it to me, it still tastes the same. I guess it was all done for a good reason. This went on for quite a while and still had problems with it. My wife and I consulted another doctor and explained how surgery was done, and the way the first doctor did it was not correct. So we went to another doctor at a great university in Philadelphia and he reversed the left side for me, went back and had it changed back so it was functional again. He took a lot of scar tissue out of me on the right side. Took me almost a year before I could really function correctly, and start to walk right again. There was a lot of pain, lot of severe pain, and I had trouble walking. I had flare-ups, inflammation, regardless of what I tried to do. I put a lot of ice on it, walked--I always kid around--I used to walk like Fred Stamper did for awhile, and wear clothing really loose, had to watch what I lifted, and kept on with it.

But thanks to the reversal, my wife and I had a little baby girl about two years later. Mary is going to be eight in February, and she's a character. Love of my life. I worry about my own kids, because my grandfathers both had cancer, my mother had breast cancer, her sister had ovarian cancer, and I had testicular cancer. So I try to--my wife and I sit down with the kids all the time and tell them "Hey, you got to eat these foods and watch eating this stuff and watch what you do, and eat healthy, exercise and just check yourself as much as possible". Unfortunately like I say, I did not know I could check myself. I never heard of testicular cancer before, so I when the doctor told me I said, "What's that? I didn't know men could get that." He said, "Well, you can get cancer in any part of your body if you don't watch it."

Getting back to normal

So, like I say, just keep trying. Keep pulling, basically what I'm doing today. Like I said, it'll be eleven years in November. Every day I try to get up and think positive about my life. I don't want to go back to where I was at, and a lot of times I'll get flashbacks and will go through some depression with it. I called it after my surgery; it's like going through the five stages of death, because in a sense it is a death. A part of your body has died and you'll never see it again, so you don't feel like a full person in your life. You will go through different stages like anger and you'll be grouchy and irritable and very short tempered, you'll be very depressed a lot of times.

Like I said before, I would definitely recommend going into counseling. Try to communicate the best you can with your family. You might have times when you have no problems at all, and then all of a sudden they'll flare up on you. Now and then it flares up on you. I'm not going to lie to you; every so often I have some minor swelling and some minor pain. What I usually do is just lay on the couch, put some ice on it and just relax. I tell my wife I'm having a bad day, I have my good days and my bad days. Thank God, I've had more good days than bad. Recently, about three weeks ago, I had a week of nothing but bad days. Thought well, I'm going through my cycle. But it was about two years before I had them. So it's not like its clockwork, where it's going to come every couple of days or every six months or a year or whatever. You just got to learn to live with it. But counseling I would recommend, support groups, talk to somebody that's been there if you can.

Usually if you contact the American Cancer Society they can help you out with somebody that has the same kind of cancer you have, regardless of what stage you're in. I would highly suggest that you do this. I didn't do this, I thought I was Mr. Macho Man and about six months later, it hit me all of a sudden. Just the shock wore off and it hit me like a bomb. And it put a real strain in my family. I hate to say that, but it's true, it does, it puts a strain on your family, puts a strain in your friends, puts a strain on you. I walked around for months wondering, why am I still here? Why are my friends going? And finally, after going through counseling I said, well, there's a reason for everything. I'm not gonna fight it, I don't care. I related to a story that I heard on television years ago, before George Burn died. He came on, and somebody asked him to what he relates his longevity, he says, "Well, I have a theory. If I get up in the morning, my name's not in the paper, it's gonna be a good day." So that's what I kind of live with. So, a lot of my friends kid me about it, because I lost my right side. They make all kinds of comments, which I won't go into right now. But you learn to live with it. I like when I feel depressed I usually like to deal with humor. I watch a comedy show or kid around about it and it kind of helps me make it through the day. But I focus all my pain into that humor, and pretty soon it goes away.

Getting help and accepting the truth: The importance of therapy

I want to reiterate again that I would highly suggest that after your surgery--not right away, when you feel up to it--that whoever you are, man, woman, child or whatever, go to counseling please. I waited six months, after I was done with my surgery. I was laying in the bed, and the doctor came in and told me this, well, I'm gonna beat this thing, and he said, "Well I would suggest you got counseling." I said, "Aaaah,"--you know act like Mr. Macho Man or Burt Reynolds or John Wayne type guy--"I'm going to kick this in the butt." Well, unfortunately, it kicked me in the butt. About six months later, I went into a deep depression, crashed and burned, and it put a very big strain on my family. I almost lost my wife, my kids hated me, I hated myself, I hated my friends. I'd walk around day after day after day saying "Why am I here?" As I explained before, there were six of us, roughly in a group, all of them died within a year. I didn't know why I was still here, you know. I kept asking myself, you know, "Why am I here? What did they ever do wrong? Why did they go on?" and blah, blah, blah. And I just had a pity party for myself, and I can't do that. I did go to counseling. I've seen it one on one. Had a lot of anger in me, let it out and little by little I got that burden off my back.

Like I said, you go through the stages of death. Finally, at the end you accept it. At first you're angry, you're bitter, why, why, why. If any of you have ever lost a family member you know what I'm talking about. And then finally at the end you accept it and move on. The doctor says instead of dwelling on the negative, you should be dwelling on the positive. And I said, "What have I got to be so positive about?" He said, "Well, you're alive, aren't you?" And I said, "Yes." And he says, "You're still here, aren't you?" and I said "Yes, but what's that got to do with me?" And he said, "Well, your wife still cares for you." I said, "Yeah." "Well, what about your kids?" I said, "Well they still care for me, you know I am a pain in the neck." And he said, "How do you feel about yourself?" And I said, "--very low self-esteem". And he said, "Well, you've got to build yourself back up. You've got to think of the positive." And like I said, you're gonna have good days, bad days, in between days. But every morning I got up and said, "Today's a new day; want to see what I can do. Want to take it a step at a time, a day at a time." And I'd go down at night and review my day and I'd say, "Well, you know, this, this and this happened." Well, tomorrow's another day. I forgot about that day. Got up the next day and said, "That was yesterday". I'm not gonna dwell on that and moved on to the next day. And little by little, I did get better.

As I said, it takes time, it's not gonna happen overnight. But you have got to think positive that you're going to make it. You've got to ask your family for help, ask your clergy, ask whoever. If you don't have a thing, find somebody who's had the same kind of cancer, talk to them, bend their ear. Tell them to put their white collar on and listen to you. I've done it, been there, done that, so I can relate to certain people that have had it done. To relate to a story, a friend of mine's father passed away two months before my mother did, and I called him up and said, "Larry, I understand what you're going through." And he said, "No, you don't." And I said, "Yes, I do." And he said "No, you don't. You don't know what I'm feeling inside." Well, like I said, two months later my mother passed away and I called him up and I said, "Larry, I know what you're going through now. I understand." And this is what I'm trying to tell everybody on this line that unless the person that you're with, or your family has been there with you, but if you walk up to a total stranger and they really don't know what you've been through unless you've been there. That's why I suggest you go to a support group of people who have had cancer, regardless of what kind of cancer, they can relate to you on how you feel, your mood swings, or whatever. And believe me, it does help.

Focus on the positive

Like I say, I talked with my mother a lot, even though she had breast cancer, we were still going through the same things. We would still talk to each other and could relate with each other. It was a big help. She helped me over those raw spots. I could call her and say, "Hey, Ma, I'm having a bad day, what do you think?" Or she'd call me. And I haven't really thought much about it lately. When it flares up I say, well, it's one of my bad days, let's move on. I don't dwell on things any more. And I just want to let you guys know that you need to not dwell on it too much. I know it's not easy, uphill battle, but you are the only one's going to be able to do it. Like I said, you got to have your head on square, and hopefully you will be able to make it. But you have to have your mind set first, and then the body will heal itself. I found that comedy works for me, by laughing. I used to tell this to doctors, they thought I was crazy, but now they're finding that humor is a good remedy for pain. If you like to listen to music, well, when you start to feel bad, put on an album, put on a tape, a CD or whatever and listen to that. This will help you relax and just something positive. If you like watching football or whatever you enjoy, try to do that and that will help you through it.

One of the positive things I guess I could say that's come out of my cancer, is that like I said before, I have a little daughter named Mary, who's gonna be eight in February. When I had my reversal done, the doctor didn't give us much of a chance, he said, "Well, we don't know if it's gonna take or not. Oh, we'll give it a shot. Think positive." And sure enough, we did. And she is the joy of my life, she keeps me going. But you know, I'm sure there are other things in people's lives that you can look to. Like I said, you have to do it a step at a time. And in the beginning you're going to crawl for a while and you're going to--just like walking all over again when you're a baby--you could crawl and then you take your first step and then you take another step, and all these steps are going to add up and in a few months later you're going to look back and say, "I was over here at this spot and now I'm a few feet away." And as the years and the months and the days and the hours or whatever go by, you're going to look back and say, "My God." I look back at it now and say, I almost died back then. But I'm here now and I wouldn't trade it for the world. It's been an uphill battle, it's been rough, it's been tough, lot of things were said and done that shouldn't have been said or done but that's part of life.

Looking forward to another day

But I look to the future, tomorrow's another day. I'm going to get up and go to work, and do it. And don't even think about it any more. People ask me, "Well, don't you ever worry about it?" I say, "Worry about what. I had cancer, so what. I'm going to beat it, I did." That's a victory for me. If I can do that, I can do anything. You know, my mother passed away, my father had a perfect saying. I asked him when she died and we buried her, "Are you going to be all right?" He looked me straight in the eye, he said, "Well, I made it through World War II," he said, "I'll make it through this." My mother died in April of 1994, this is September of 2001 and he's still going strong. In fact, he's running circles around me. But he's come a long way, too.

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